Things to Never Say to Pregnant People.

A note to you all you NPPs (non pregnant people), Pregnant People are crazy. And I should know:

a. I am a counselor; ergo, I work with crazy people everyday.

b. I am pregnant. 

c. I am crazy or getting crazy or so crazy I don't actually know how crazy I am. 

I am going to assume this craziness is due to the same suspect/scapegoat of all other pregnancy side effects: hormones. Course, it could just be that spending 10 months in sheer discomfort as your body reeks havoc on the slim physique you so masterfully and tediously created.....I digress. 

The point is, pregnant people are crazy, sensitive and skilled at turing every comment from a NPP into a insult. I know the NPP means well. In fact, I am sane enough to know that feeling insulted is illogical. But I just can't help it.  

So, in order to save you innocent NPPs from the wrath of a pregnant person, here are some things you should never say (just think):

1. "Wow! You're so BIG!" or  "Look how BIG you've gotten!"

--When is it ever O.K. to call someone big? When is that ever a compliment? Why not just say, "Hey, Fatty Boom Boom, you're the mama that got so big, your booty beeps when you back up." After all, to a crazy pregnant person, BIG equals FAT and FAT equals UGLY. 

2. "I don't know about you, but it has gone so fast for ME."

--Fast for you? Yeah, I just woke up and realized I was pregnant too. My waist line disappeared, that was fast for me. My boobs inflated two cup sizes, that was fast for me. 

3. "She'll be here before you know it." or "It won't be long."

--First of, trust me I know I have exactly 7 weeks until my due date. I also know that due is not a guarantee, meaning I could go into labor as early as 37 weeks (4 weeks away) or as late as 42 weeks (9 weeks away). Second, who is to say I am ready!? The nursery is far from started, let alone ready. I still have a "buy this list" the length of Santa's Naughty List from 2006. Lastly, I think I will "know it." I just learned all about the stages of labor in birthing class....yeah, I'll know when she's coming. 

So, NPP...what can you say to a pregnant person? Save it. Anything you say can be used against you in the mind of a crazy pregnant person. Just continue to be that supportive mother, father, spouse or friend you are. I hear that pregnant people do, at some point, return to sanity. So much so, they start using these forbidden statements with careless disregard. Cycle of life?

PS. I plead guilty to using these statements on a regular basis in my NPP life. Sorry...